Tuesday, May 22, 2012
"Do I Do Enough" Self-Torture
For several weeks before my birthday, I noticed a gnawing anxiety after waking up, sometimes throughout the day, and also before falling asleep. The thoughts sort of meandered around the realization that time is running out. I asked myself if I had accomplished enough. Was I doing enough?
People in my church would tell me I shouldn't have such thoughts. I am a Christian. My future is guaranteed, and I live in a state of grace. Still, these thoughts continued to nag at me. Of course, anyone who knows me knows that I am always prone to agonize about my life. I'm good at torturing myself with questions about my purpose here on this earth and whether I'm doing the things I should, or enough of them.
I think I inherited this from my mother, who, even in the midst of suffering from Alzheimer's, tortured herself with the agonizing question, "What should I be doing?" It must be horrible to have the question and have no idea what it was you did yesterday, let alone two years ago.
Something else was going on - my fingers started to swell at the joints and bend. I went to the doctor, wondering if I had gout. She took one look and said, "You have arthritis." It seems there is no real cure, but I can slow the process down by diet, drinking a lot of water, getting exercise, and getting plenty of sleep.
I'm already on a special diet, thanks to my still-present sinusitis. For the past five months, I have gone almost completely without white sugar and white flour. Now she tells me there's more I must do - cut out all pork and eat alkaline foods, which means less meat. Bread isn't such a good thing, either.
So I cut out pork and started drinking more water and sleeping more. And as I worked more and more at living a healthy lifestyle, interesting insights started trickling into my head.
I'll let you know about these thoughts in posts to come.